I love you

Love. Love is such a powerful word. It means so much. For a long time I knew there was importance in the word. Maybe it's from all the movies that I watched as a kid. Love conquers all seems to be the theme. There is always the guy who falls for the girl but something always keeps them apart and at the end of the film they end up together...usually. There are some films where the two lovers don't but for the most part they do. Well, I guess I'm writing to tell my love story, which is not done as of yet.

Over two years ago I met this girl named Lizzy. I met her in New York but I'm from Los Angeles. I was actually supposed to leave NY a few days before but there was a storm so it ruined a couple of my days there. My friend that I was staying with was having a birthday celebration and so I decided that I would extend my trip and attend. I was about to leave the party later in the evening and had finished saying my goodbyes. Someone had stopped me and started talking to me. This caused me to stay an additional 15 minutes or so. In that time in walked Lizzy. I saw her and thought she was cute. ( I have this thing where girls are all cute but they are beautiful when their soul is amazing). I decided to stay. Well, to make this a little bit shorter we ended up hanging out. We went out and I started gaining feelings for her. After a few months (Which was way too long) I asked her officially to be my girlfriend. It was very awkward because I'm an awkward guy, especially when it comes to romance. The year was great but I ended the relationship. I was in a weird place in my life. I wasn't sure what I wanted from my life in general and I felt like crap because I didn't want to drag someone amazing into my life problems. I knew she deserved the best and deserved the most ultimate love and at that moment I couldn't offer this. I felt terrible when we broke up and even when we did break up part of me wanted to call her back and tell her I messed up. Selfishly I still wanted her in my life even though I was the one who hurt her. She told me she had a string of relationships where she wan't fully loved. I didn't want to add to her history but at the end I felt as if I hurt her the most. She and I spoke sporadically at first but then we began talking as if we were still together. Anytime I had some great news I wanted to call her. I wanted to hear her voice before I went to bed. I cared for her and didn't want to let her go. I really did love this women. There were times on the phone I was about to utter the words "I love you" but held back. I knew there were strong emotions but my fear was dragging her back into something I wan't 100% sure about. I wasn't 100% sure because of her, I wasn't sure of myself.

I've also told Lizzy and many people in my life that I never had a best friend. At a young age I began to tell myself and I firmly believe that I will marry my best friend. One day Lizzy called me up and told me that she couldn't talk to me for a while. That she needed to clear the way for love in her life. Part of me understood because she deserves the absolute best. Another part of me was pissed off because I didn't want her being with another person and I wanted to offer her the best. I wanted Lizzy to be with me. I was really emotional when she wanted to take a "talking" break. I was upset and during my conversation I told her that her that not speaking to me was messed up and that she can't do this because she was/is "my best friend". " My best friend". I said those words and I didn't even realize it until that exact moment that she was the one all along. She was the one that I was meant to be with. I was a bit afraid because I wanted to make sure how I felt was for real for real. We still talked to each other and more and more my feelings were growing beyond when we were together. I realized that I did love Lizzy and I wanted her back. I had a plan. I wanted to head to NY and plan a romantic week with her. I had couples dinner class planned, dinner at a nice restaurant another night, flowers scheduled to be delivered to her job and I had little gifts of her favorite things planted. (I'm usually an ok gift giver but with her I'm an amazing gift giver because I actually listen to her). I even bought a ring. Yeah. I bought a ring. (She doesn't read my blog or even realizes it exists). I have been sitting on this ring for a little while now. It's gorgeous and I always look at it. I was going to NY and going to take her on a real date but I kept on having to postpone my trip. Well, in all that prepping and wanting to tell her in person she started to date someone. She said she was nervous in telling me because I know she has feelings. I just needed to give her the damn green light. (All of this time I realized that she always loved me and I was damn lucky). I was a bit upset but in reality what right did I have to get mad? I never told her how I really felt but what scared me even more is that did this mean that she no longer had feelings for me? I thought about it and at the end of the day I knew/know that she loves me. I ended up telling her over the phone how I felt. It was a shocker to her because I came full force with my feelings. I normally have hard time displaying my feelings. But when you know you know. Before I told her how I felt I prayed to God and I told him that no other man would love this women more than I would. No other person would shower her with so much love, attention, honesty and passion as me. I would never hurt her and always be there for her. I made this promise to God and I intend on keeping it.

I know that Lizzy is the one. I know people get caught up with the one talk but I've never felt this way before. Lizzy enhances me. The only other person who does this for me is God. She makes me laugh, think, motivates me and makes me feel loved. Most importantly I want to make her feel loved. I want to  make her laugh, smile, think, work hard and most importantly feel safe. I know there are still some hang ups on her end and she is figuring things out but I can't stop. I need to continue to prove my truthful love and one day in the near future I will get to pop the question..."Lizzy, would you do me the blessings of being not only my wife but my best friend for this life and beyond? I promise to always cherish, respect and honor you. You are my family. You know my pulse. Will you marry me?" I want the chapter in my life book called happiness to start now and it all begins with her.

All of this sounds simple? No. I've been having a hard time and all I know is that I am willing to do anything for this women. I love Lizzy and I know I'm not crazy when I say this but she was created by God for me. Thank you God. You did an incredible job, wow.

Well, since I started this topic about love and film here is one my all time favorite endings to a love movie from When Harry Met Sally. You know, all of this writing makes me realize that I've never had a real New Years kiss. Crap. I predict that Lizzy and I will be celebrating Christmas and New Years together.....enjoy.  

 

In the presence of greatness...Mr. Pharaoh Sanders

I used to tutor this 3rd grade student and I would always talk and make arrangements with her mother, never dealt with the father. I would occasionally see her father walking around the house but would rarely speak to him. One day I arrived early for a session and I knocked on the door but nobody answered. I realized that someone was playing jazz music really loud on the stereo (so I thought). I continued to knock and then the playing stopped and my students father came to the door. He welcomed me pleasantly and asked me to come in and wait until the student arrived. I was lead to the living room to have a seat when I made the comment, "I heard you were playing jazz on your stereo. Do you like jazz?". Mr. Sanders (sorry, the last name of my student was Sanders) responded by saying, "That wasn't the stereo, I was playing. You like jazz?" I responded by saying, "yup, I try and listen to it when I can." As I uttered my words I looked at him and then all of a sudden looked around my surroundings. I realized there was a saxophone, piano and some jazz memorabilia around. I then looked up and saw a picture in a frame with Mr. Sanders on it but it had a first name to it, 'Pharaoh Sanders'. I immediately has a spaz out moment and realized I was in front of Pharaoh Sanders, a jazz legend! Pharaoh played with John Coltrain and got his start with him. Of course the whole time Pharaoh smiled and looked at me as I was piecing everything together. This whole time I was in the presence of jazz history. Well, after I discovered who Pharaoh was I tried talking to him as much as possible. He was such a nice and humble man and I would always try and milk him for information. Well, if you haven't heard of any his music before then take a listen. Sometimes we may not realize we are in the presence of such rich history.

They perfect way to make friends is by cooking

We all love to eat. One, because of the excitement our taste pallet receive when you get a mouth watering meal. Secondly, we are human so we need to eat to nourish ourselves. Mr. Porter which is a site where you can purchase great mens wear, taught how to dress, pack for a trip, philosophy of great entrepreneurs and learn how to cook! They have a segment titled The Way I cook and in this episode they visit Mr. Oddur Thorrison who is a photographer. He teaches us how he makes his signature steak and potato cake, a perfect date night meal. For my gentleman, take some notes. Enjoy!!

Another summer 2013 anthem!

Crickets by Drop City Yacht Club feat Jeremih is a fun song!! I've decided to make a summer mixtape album and this is one song that will def be on it. Dang, you know what? I'll put the mixtape on my blog once it's up. Let's see if I get any downloads, haha. It will probably be a compilation of past and present tracks so be on the look out!! Upscale Hood Summer mixtape coming soon!!! Until then enjoy the video and song!!!

I'm a dancer stuck in a...dancers body?

I've mentioned it before and I'll mention it again...I love to dance! Now, I've never stuck around a dance class that long. I learned everything from watching, dancing at the club or dancing in my room for fun. The one time I was committed to class I was taking ballet, modern and hip hop (all at once). Two weeks in I tore ligaments in my left knee playing basketball. Waaaccckkkk! After that I never thought about taking a class...that is until a good friend of mine recommended that I take a class as a form of stress relief. She told me that dancing makes me happy and I responded with..."damn, you're right. Taking a class once a week would be really good for me". Oh, its been a few years since the surgery. Sssooooo, I've amped up my dancing practice (at home) by watching videos online and just having more fun. I have also begun looking into some spots to take some dance classes. Any recommendations? Do I have an ambition to become a JT or Chris Brown backup dancer? No...well that would be sick but I'm in this for the fun. Plus, it would look cool on my acting resume. Here is a video by a super talented dance choreographer named Vinh Nguyen and a routine he setup for Fine China by Chris Brown. When I get some routines down I'll make sure to post some video of me dancing. Enjoy!!!!

High five!!!

I work with a lot of kids. I tutor/mentor them and I am truly appreciative to be around their energy. Some are shy when they first meet me. Others are extremely curious about me. They'll ask any questions, kids say the craziest things. I'll also get the older student who thinks he/she is too cool to talk and then after a while I break em down because I'm cool like that. One thing that I really enjoy is creating handshakes with them. Below is one of my students and something we came up with! Remember to always be a kid!!!

The power of being vulnerable

I was speaking to one of my mentee's and we were discussing dreams, goals and visions. As we began discussion we started talking about things that he loved to do. I also began to speak about things that I loved. After a lengthy conversation we were talking about making ourselves open to life and allowing things to happen for ourselves by taking action. "We need to declare what we want, you know take risks. I guess make ourselves vulnerable to dreams.", I told him. When I said the word vulnerable he immediately responded with weakness. I had to pause for a second. I sat there and allowed that to marinate in my brain. Weakness, weakness...weakness. Does vulnerability mean weakness? Words associated with weakness are frail, feeble, powerless and uncertain. Of course as faith has it I came across an amazing video through a friend by Brené Brown on dun dun dun...vulnerability!! Brené Brown studies human connection and gave a great lecture at a TED forum. I watched her talk (3 times consecutively) and sat there reflecting. She actually spoke about vulnerability as being strong and courageous, not being weak or powerless. She spoke about those who are vulnerable believe they are worthy: 

People who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging...our fear is that we're not worthy of connection...they fully embraced vulnerability. They have a sense of courage...they had the compassion to be kind to themselves first...they believed what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.

She continued talking about those who are vulnerable are risk takers regardless of the circumstance:

They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram.  Their willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. 

Over the past few years I associated vulnerability with being guarded (It takes a lot of energy to be guarded until it becomes effortless). I always viewed being vulnerable as never allowing others seeing your emotions or never allowing others knowing how you feel; a life of a continuous poker face. Vulnerability in the world of war could lead to an open attack, a weakness in defense, it can lead to hurt. Was I always like this? No. How did I get this way? I've always been shy with certain things in my life (some people don't believe me) and I still am shy/reserved with certain things. Being honest it may have also been because I was hurt in the past and I once considered myself open and free with my love/vulnerability; I slowly started to shut down. It was difficult for me to confidently share my dreams because of the fear of rejection but I have grown much in stating my dreams and visions and making them happen. I guess I never related it to being vulnerable but hey, I’m growing like a big boy! 

I still need to allow vulnerability to grow in my love life. This has always been tricky for me and many people out there. That whole letting someone know how you feel thing is sssccarrryyy. Maybe you told someone you really liked how you felt about them and your conversation went like this: "I really like you. How do you feel? Do you like me? Not that way. Oohhh ok. That's cool, I didn't like you that much anyway. I was just playing." Ha! It's not funny but you can try and play it off that it didn't mean much to you but that fear of rejection keeps us from making moves. Not just in relationship stuff but with our goals, with our dreams. But being fearless and vulnerable could also lead to this type of convo, "I need to tell you that I like you. Not like a hand high five kind of like but a high five involving our lips kind of like", and as your heart pounds as they stare back they respond with, "You know, I like you too. I was just afraid to say anything. I was afraid you didn't feel the same way." Bamn! Just like Brené Brown said, we have to be courageous. We have to be vulnerable to give ourselves in a relationship in order for it to work. I realized that I wasn't giving all of myself in my past relationship. It wasn't fair to her and I was always sorry about that and apologize because she deserved the maximum amount of love, which she will get. For a while I thought I was making a mistake when we broke up but realized that in my heart I wasn't 100% in love the way I know I should be and could be. But I did learn one thing. She took a risk. She said I love you first. She wasn't afraid to be courageous and I was truly thankful and appreciative of that. I had a great example to pull from. Her courage was amazing!

After seeing Brené Browns vulnerability talk I decided to take a few steps toward being courageous in my life. I have been creating for myself and I'm taking risks with my endeavors. I started my own business’s and taking a risk in creating my own art and future.